Looking back I started to control what I ate when I was about 16, just starting college, a part time job and my brother leaving for university. At the time I didn’t realise that I was restricting my food to hardly anything and thought that I was just trying to be healthy by walking and cycling everywhere. By the time I was 18 my family started to comment that I had lost a lot of weight and I remember feeling amazing that my size 10 skirt was way too big for me. However they persuaded me to go to the doctors to get checked out, the doctor told me to eat some chocolate bars and come back in a couple of weeks to see if it had helped, I didn’t take his advice but told him I had and he sent me to the hospital for further tests. After numerous different hospital appointments the final doctor I saw examined me and then said that he thought there was nothing wrong with me physically but thought that I might be depressed and anorexic. I left the hospital with my mum and we went to have a chocolate bar together as I use to love it and I almost cried as the thought of eating chocolate was horrific to me, I thought that it would make me obese.
Luckily for me they had just started an Eating Disorders Clinic in my home town and I was referred straight away, my first appointment was terrifying and I was told that I should be on bed rest in hospital but I refused to go. My weight slowly increased and by the time September came I was off to university. By the time Christmas came I was back to where I started and although I really didn’t want to go home I left university as I was not coping. I decided that I would enrol at another university for the following September in Bournemouth and I could get better by myself in the mean time as I had managed it before. I even had a DEXA scan that said that my bones were like that of an 80 year old and although it scared me it didn’t stop me from carrying on the cycle of restricting food and exercising.
September came again and off I went to university and once again Christmas came and having avoided going home for the term my family were horrified by the state I was in come Christmas time. This time though I was more determined, I realised that if I quit again I would have nothing to keep be going and I was enjoying studying. I did some research on the internet and discovered SWEDA (now I*EAT), a support group that was based at the university. It took a few emails between me, Sarah and Jess to finally decide to go to one of the meetings and when I went I was so surprised to find out that there were other people with eating disorders as I had always felt in my own world. I also started to see a therapist at the university who helped a lot to try and understand the reasons behind me having this illness. The summer holidays were nearing and I didn’t want to go home but my weight hadn’t really improved either despite now getting support and I was offered a place at the day centre at Kimmeridge. I knew that I had finally had enough of this illness, it had already taken away 5 years of my life and I wanted to start living instead of being in the vicious circle of anorexia.
Going to the day centre was intense but after a month I wasn’t getting anywhere and made the decision to become an inpatient. A taxi took me home and I had 20 minutes to grab some clothes and I was taken back to hospital, I cried all the way there and back. Being an inpatient was one of the hardest but definitely the best thing that I have done in my life so far as it gave me my life back. As I gained weight my emotions came back and I screamed, cried and laughed in my time there. I was re-educated about what my body needed and what was healthy, I really struggled with my body image but after having some sessions I realised that normal people are not the people in magazines and on TV. The changing point in my life came when, after much therapy I finally realised what was making me so angry and mad inside that I felt the only way to cope with it was with anorexia. Having it out in the open and shared with my family I finally felt that I could cope in other ways than starve myself.
I was 22 when I left hospital and was an out patient for a further year and a half. In that time I met my now fiancé whilst on placement year and have never looked back. Since then I have done so many things that I would never have done before, I graduated with a first, had a full time job, passed my driving test, found my husband to be and emigrated abroad. I also love not feeling guilty about having desserts (cheesecake is my favourite); sitting and relaxing whilst reading or watching TV and having a lie in at the weekend. The best thing is I can’t wait for the future and all the new things that I will get to do.
CHLOE'S STORY